they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Michael Bay diarrhea
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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