On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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