woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
