She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
