dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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