i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
