I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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