Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
