True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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