i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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