i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
