i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
