girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
