At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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