I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
