I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize
