The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
