i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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