just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
