when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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