Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
