The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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