I think I won the penis lottery.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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