I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
