im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
