my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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