My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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