look no pants
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
