Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i love accidental penises.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
