Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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