Already got asked if we're dating
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
