My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
