First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
