so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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