my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
