I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
