weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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