The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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