Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
