One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
