and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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