Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
