I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize