If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
