I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
