I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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