you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
