Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
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you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
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Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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