The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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