Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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