Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
