There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
