i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
