my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
