Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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