just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
