Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
