he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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