He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
