apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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