i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Text me some of your sweat
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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