apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
