I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
