My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
